Today in a teary voice Izabel asked for the millionth time, "You will never lose me?" I had to reassure her that never would I lose or leave her. This subject comes up numerous times daily. It scares her. And to be quite honest, that worries me. I try to reassure her that I would never "lose or leave" her. I tell no, because then I would not have a baby and that would make mommy very sad. I wish I knew what to do or say to bring her peace. I wonder if subconsciously she remembers..... From some very odd things she has said I believe she must remember something. I know she is very attached to me, but always is telling me not to lose her. She is very worried about it. I am constantly reassuring her I am not going to lose her or leave. I believe it is definitely an abandonment issue. Iza will freely go and play with other kids, is fine at Kindermusik class, ballet, or at church without me. Iza is very jealous of me. She does not want me to pick Elise and is jealous of any show of affection with Jonathan. However, there are some very strange things going on here. She often told me wants to go home even though we are at home (she came home at 12 1/2 months & now is 4.2 yrs). I have not kept any secrets about her adoption but have not really discussed it either. One evening I was looking at some pictures of her with her foster family and she pointed to the pictures and said there's home. I find it hard to believe at a year old when I picked her up she would actually be able to remember, but it creeped me out. She did not seem to remember the foster family themselves just the place. I am at a total loss of how to help her. It makes this mama so sad that one of the happiest days of my life brought so much pain to my sweet baby girl.
This morning as I was reading a friend's adoption journey I clicked one of her friend's blogs post about the "Repairer of Broken Walls" from Table of Seven. I really needed to hear this message from the Lord.
"And if you give yourself to the hungry, and satisfy the needs of the oppressed, than your light will rise in darkness.....the Lord will continually guide you....satisfy your desire in the scorched places....give strengh to your bones, you will be like a spring of water whose water does not fail....you will rebuild ancient ruins and be called the repairer of broken walls....." Isaiah 59:10-12
Catch that...". repairer of broken walls......"
As adoptive parents, who have "satisfied the needs of the oppressed" we get the amazing privilege to repair the broken walls of our children. Our children who have been
left at car dealerships in boxes,
orphanage gates in blankets.
toddlers left wandering at the city park
at police stations, and markets, and alley ways.
Y'all, our kids have some broken, broken, walls. Broken places that take years to rebuild. Walls that can only be securely rebuilt by the mortar of the Word and the healing tools of the Lord. But we get to take part! Be encouraged today that our children can be restored. That the Lord allows us to take part in repairing (not replacing) the walls that have been crushed to pieces. That although we weren't there to wipe that 5 month old's nose, and calm their fears....the Lord was.
What an amazing privilege we have been given. What a humbling job to be granted. Only the Lord can take ugly and make beautiful out of it (yours truly is living proof).
And I cannot wait to see just how beautiful it is.....
Hosea 6:1-3 (New Living Translation)
1 “Come, let us return to the Lord.
He has torn us to pieces;
now he will heal us.
He has injured us;
now he will bandage our wounds.
2 In just a short time he will restore us,
so that we may live in his presence.
3 Oh, that we might know the Lord!
Let us press on to know him.
He will respond to us as surely as the arrival of dawn
or the coming of rains in early spring.”
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